Top 10 Funniest Movie Scenes of All Time

Comedy is tough. Writing gags for the screen is always risky as you never know which ones will sink or swim. A joke may cause offence. It may hit too close to home. It could be too highbrow or too lowbrow for your target audience. What matters is that the joke makes you laugh. You don't need to know why it's funny; you just have to feel it. The ten scenes in this post are all very amusing to me. Some of them have made me laugh to the point of tears, while others work on a more subtle level. If you're expecting a masterclass in what makes good comedy, don't get your hopes up. I'll try my best to explain why I find each of these scenes funny, but in some cases, no amount of explanation will account for the subjective nature of comedy. Enough of this small talk...let's get to my picks!

10. The Monopoly Guy - Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls (Steve Oedekerk, 1995)

First of all, I think the first Ace Ventura (Pet Detective) is mostly an unfunny bore, and that When Nature Calls is one of the better comedy sequels of all time. This is the film where Jim Carrey peaked, comically speaking. His mannerisms are exceptionally funny. This film should be used as an instructional video on how to be funny with your body. In this scene, we have Carrey's Ace Ventura sticking it to a man from high society, who is accompanied by a woman adorned with the fur of a fox. Ace cannot stand this couple's elitism, and when the woman encourages him to "enjoy the fruits of nature", he snaps. The man's resemblance to Monopoly mascot Rich Uncle Pennybags is not the only funny thing here. Ace's confidence and nonchalance in assaulting the man is an hilarious comment on the clash between high and low culture. Of course, there's also the guttural noises Ace makes while parading the man, and his mock dance routine. What completes the scene is Ace's closing remark, "It's lovely, but I fancy myself in autumn." Ace believes he has committed no wrongdoing, just like those who wear animal furs as fashion statements.  

9. Truth or dare - The Perks of Being a Wallflower (Stephen Chbosky, 2012)

This scene is ultimately a tragic one, but it derives its comedic power from the idea that it could happen to you, as well as the overall feeling of awkwardness that pervades it. First, a little bit of context: Charlie (Logan Lerman) is a painfully shy teenager who has made some new friends in his freshman year of high school. He has developed a crush on Sam (Emma Watson), but Sam has a boyfriend. Sam's friend, Mary Elizabeth (Mae Whitman) forces herself onto Charlie and they become a couple against Charlie's wishes. All of this underlying tension reaches breaking point during a seemingly harmless game of truth or dare. Patrick (Ezra Miller) asks Charlie, "How's your first relationship going?" I am not going to repeat Charlie's response here, because I want you to watch the clip. I saw this film at the movies, and everyone in the cinema let out a gasp of shock before dying in a fit of laughter. It's such an uncomfortable scene...such a sad and painful line, but it is also one of the most hilarious things I have ever heard uttered in a motion picture. Things get worse when Patrick dares Charlie to kiss the prettiest girl in the room, and he doesn't kiss Mary Elizabeth. Ezra Miller is the glue that holds this scene together. We know how tragic the scene is, but it never feels depressing because of lines from Patrick such as, "Notice I charitably said girl and not person, because let's face it...I'd smoke all you bitches!" Logan Lerman is also brilliant in his delivery. He treads a fine line between stoicism and nervousness, and I'm reminded of Roger Ebert's praise for Bill Murray in Lost in Translation, where Murray was commended for his subdued comedic presence. Ultimately, this scene is funny because none of the actors (and by extension, the characters) are aware they are in a movie.

8. Drug deal gone wrong - Boogie Nights (Paul Thomas Anderson, 1997)

This scene combines hilarity and suspense in a way that few other films have mastered. Dirk, Reed and Todd have gone to Rahad's (Alfred Molina) house with the promise to sell him cocaine. That cocaine is actually half a kilo of baking soda. They sit down on the couch, and if they didn't already have enough to be nervous about, there's a mysterious child named Cosmo who is setting off firecrackers FOR NO PARTICULAR REASON! These loud bangs are the heartbeat of the scene, and I can't help but laugh each time one of the men is startled by the noise. Later on in the scene (not shown in the above clip), all hell breaks loose when Todd tries to rob Rahad. The use of Night Ranger's Sister Christian and Rick Springfield's Jessie's Girl also adds to the comedy of the scene. These songs are not a perfect fit for the action that's unfolding, but if they were, some of the humour would be lost.    

7. Impersonating Michael Caine - The Trip (Michael Winterbottom, 2010)

  

Okay, I realise this may count as cheating since The Trip was edited from the sitcom series of the same name. Nonetheless, if this scene doesn't have you in stitches, you may want to check your pulse. What a pleasure it is to watch two talented comics sit across from each other and trade wits. We're not laughing at how closely their impressions resemble the veteran English actor. We're laughing at how they're delivering the expressions. You may have been expecting a standard, run-of-the-mill "My name is Michael Caine..." impression, but Rob Brydon quickly dismisses Steve Coogan when he is accused of this easy, tired routine. What follows is so enthralling to watch. If you got someone to close their eyes and listen to this, they'd probably assume Caine was talking about himself in the third-person. Coogan's impression is just as impressive as Brydon's, and by the time he gets to Caine's "emotional" voice, your stomach will be hurting from all the guffawing. 

6. Meow - Super Troopers (Jay Chandrasekhar, 2001)

This is far from the most intelligent scene you'll ever see. It's a stupid scene involving stupid characters. But who cares? It achieved something that many modern comedies fail to do—make me laugh. The ineptitude of these cops is hilarious in itself. Their complete lack of regard for their duty makes you wonder how they secured their jobs in the first place. I think this scene is funny because all of the characters are in on the joke. Imagine if you were the man in that car. If you heard a cop repeatedly say "meow", you'd get curious about it, wouldn't you? Hence, it's realistic! Also, pay attention to the policeman who's doing the counting. Watch his belly move through the passenger seat window as he laughs. It's a great sight gag.

5. Any scene involving Francis the Driver - Superbad (Greg Mottola, 2007)

Again, this may be cheating since I haven't highlighted a particular scene. The bottom line is that Francis steals every single scene he enters. Everyone knows a person who behaves like Francis. If he was a character on The Office, he would be Creed. When he tells Seth and Evan that he will do ANYTHING for them if they don't report him to the cops, we actually believe him. We laugh at his subtle creepiness when he says, "You guys know a guy named Jimmy? You totally look like his brother. You totally look like his brother, man." Personally, the scene that gets me the most is when he's driving Seth and Evan to the party. He interjects to encourage Seth to have sex with Jules, and it's so fucking hilarious how oblivious he is to his own inappropriateness. The scene gets funnier when he follows that line with something that borders on a non-sequitur: "You guys on Myspace, or...?" Of course, it's no surprise when he later gets beat up by Mark, the party host. I've got to hand it to Joe Lo Truglio for absolutely nailing this eccentric character. I can't imagine anyone else playing this role.

4. Duane Hall - Annie Hall (Woody Allen, 1977)

Everyone forgets that Christopher Walken is in Annie Hall, and I don't blame them—he gets very little screen time. It's a shame, because he is absolutely fantastic in this scene. Everyone should be familiar with Woody Allen's on-screen persona of the intellectual, nervous, neurotic nebbish. It really comes to the fore in this scene. Notice how Alvy (Allen) is condescending towards Duane without being nasty. The pitch of his voice suggests he is talking to a child rather than an adult. When he leaves Duane's room, he says he has to return to 'Planet Earth'. Poor Duane probably doesn't have the social skills to deduce what Alvy is implying. Nevermind...Duane gets his revenge when he is asked to drive Alvy and Annie to the airport. Just look at how the camera pans from Duane to Annie to a frozen, perspiring Alvy. The death-phobic Alvy knows it is no certainty he will reach his destination.

3. The accidental killing of Bill Murray - Zombieland (Ruben Fleischer, 2009)

I remember watching this film at the movies with a friend. We were just about the only two people in the cinema. When the film arrived at this scene, we were both in absolute hysterics. I had tears rolling down my cheeks caused by a minute of solid laughter. My stomach was aching. I could not stop myself. The only reason this scene isn't higher on this list is that I've watched the scene a few times since and it hasn't provoked the same reaction. This scene works because Murray is playing himself. If he were playing a random person disguised as a zombie, the scene would lose most of its power. I also love how Murray states his only regret in life is voicing Garfield in the 2004 film adaptation of the comic strip. This scene is a testament to the idea that something can still be funny even if you can see it coming from a mile away. 

2. Yard sale - Ghost World (Terry Zwigoff, 2001)

Sometimes when I need a laugh, I just go to YouTube and watch this scene on repeat for a few times. It always does the trick. Have you ever fantasised about walking into Pizza Hut and asking for a Big Mac? I have, but I've never done it. You want to do it because you're genuinely curious about how the person behind the counter would react, but you ultimately refrain because you don't want to look like an idiot. When Enid charges 500 dollars for one of her old dresses at a yard sale, that's the equivalent of asking for a Big Mac at Pizza Hut. It's just something you should never say because it's too ridiculous to be anything more than a passing thought. But it's hilarious because Enid is deadly serious about it. The customer's facial expression is priceless, but what gets me the most is the way Enid's face scrunches up when she says, "Well, why do you want it? I mean, it would look stupid on you anyway." The customer retorts with "God! Fuck you!", making for one of the greatest and funniest scenes in the history of cinema.     

1. Ted wrestles Puffy - There's Something About Mary (Bobby & Peter Farrelly, 1998)

First of all, I apologise for the poor video quality. It's the best I could find on YouTube. Now, I know many of you were shocked when I made this list of the 10 funniest films I have ever seen and you saw that There's Something About Mary took the top spot. You probably weren't expecting a scene from it to take the crown in this list, but hey, that should teach you to never assume. Yes, I can appreciate biting satire and sharp wit, but sometimes there's nothing funnier than seeing a man toss a dog around a room like a rag doll. This, coupled with my previous post about liking cats, will probably ignite rumours that I am a dog-hater. Let me put those to rest right now and say Ben Stiller could be fighting any animal (yes, even cats) in this scene and I would explode with laughter. It's just a movie, and knowing no dog was harmed gives us free rein to laugh. Actually, the most hilarious part is that the small dog seems to have the upper hand over this pathetic grown man. When Ted's nails claw at the floorboards, I'm reminded of something out of The Evil Dead. It's comic exaggeration at its very best. Seeing Puffy fly out the window is the perfect final touch to this uproariously funny scene which is not for everyone.   

On Liking Cats

I wouldn't call myself a cat person. Rather, I am an animal person. Human babies do nothing for me, but put a duckling in front of me and I'll squeal in delight. It is rare that I come across an animal that I do not like. There's cockroaches, but I'll save that for another post. I've grown up around animals my whole life.

Some examples of pets I've owned:

* Rabbits

* A blue-tongued lizard (only for a few days, from memory)

* Snails (don't ask)

* Mice

Dogs and cats, however, have been the two constants at the Savona household. At present, we own two cats and one dog. This is our third dog, but I couldn't tell you how many cats we've owned before the current two. Our house is a magnet for cats. It's like they just know they'll be fed if they meow on our doorstep on a rainy night. And of course, once you feed a stray, it does not want to leave. I've never had a problem with their sticking around, because I just happen to love cats. 

I am writing this post in defence of cats. For far too long, felines have copped an unfair amount of criticism for petty and often stupid reasons. I call myself an animal person, but the truth is that I may slightly prefer cats over dogs, only because I feel cats need the extra support. Think of it as rooting for the underdog (or is that undercat?)

A few weeks ago, a friend asked me, "Steven, why do you like cats?" I was stumped that someone would ask this, as it implies there is something inherently wrong with liking cats. I shouldn't have to justify why I like something that is perfectly harmless and, well, normal. Unless you have an allergy, I can't think of any reason why you wouldn't like cats. And even those people with allergies should concede that their heart is in the right place—that they want to like cats, and that it isn't the cat's fault that they developed such a disorder. 

The view that frustrates me the most is, "I hate cats because they run away from me. Dogs would never do that. They're actually loyal to their owners." See also: "Dogs have masters; cats have slaves." These are flawed mindsets that stem from pure narcissism. That cat is not indebted to be by your side. Cats are independent by nature. I understand if my cats run away when I approach them, and it doesn't bother me. If you accuse a cat of being "selfish" because it runs away from you and only returns when it wants food, doesn't that make you selfish for expecting the cat's world to revolve around you? I find it funny how people will decry neediness in other people, but will crave it from their pets. I think many people hate cats because they don't provide the validation that dogs do. I have other sources of validation; I don't need my cats to provide it. Their lives are short, so why should they spend their time hanging around people? Let them explore and have fun. 

I think so many people openly prefer dogs because it's easier. After all, no one will ever ask you, "Why do you like dogs?" Human beings are egotistic creatures and want an animal that will heed their every call. Dogs are emblematic of power and strength. The bark is a dominant sound. The meow is a passive one. Males are especially fond of dogs because liking cats would be a step towards abandoning their macho cred. Dogs are an extension of the male identity. The human male wants so desperately to be seen as loyal, so he sides with the animal that has been dubbed Man's Best Friend. A dog can tear you apart, while a cat can lacerate you at best. The male wants an animal of brute strength and aggression, because those are the qualities he wants to have. Of course, I do not speak for all males—hey, I am one too, remember?—but merely the ones who yearn for "alpha" status. 

I'm just over the stereotype that there's something miserable about you if you like cats. The archetypal "Crazy Cat Lady" is a notion that should be buried, and we need to stop joking about "dying alone with cats", as though cats are a commodity you invest in once you've surrendered all your will to live. It's getting increasingly difficult to be open about a love of cats. It's confusing. On one hand, cats are the Internet's favourite animal. I can scroll down my Tumblr dashboard and feel confident that I won't be ridiculed for reblogging a cat GIF. But in the offline world, there are still so many things people misinterpret about cats. You're forced to like cats in an ironic, detached manner. You have to convince people that you find them "cute and funny and stuff", but nothing beyond that. The moment you hint that you love them just as you love your family, you're branded a weirdo.      

This post is dedicated to my cats Lucinda and Bruno. Indulge in all the sleep you desire. I'll love you both just the same. 

October 2013 Film Wrap-Up

OCTOBER 1

House of Sand and Fog (Vadim Perelman, 2003) = 3/5

The story is interesting and the performances are superb, but it's hampered by midday movie sensibilities. The heavy-handed, excessive nature of this film was really pissing me off towards the end. Director Perelman does not know the meaning of subtlety, although I might be able to forgive him as it was his debut film. A lot of people rank this among the most depressing films they've seen, but I didn't feel that emotional hollowness because none of it was believable. 

OCTOBER 3

Life During Wartime (Todd Solondz, 2010) = 3/5

I expected a more substantial offering from such a talented writer. It lacks the stinging satire of Happiness (its loose predecessor), and you get the sense that this didn't spring from any burning passion in Solondz, but rather a compulsion to make something...anything. It's one of the most disappointing sequels I've ever seen. 

OCTOBER 4

Enter the Void (Gaspar Noé, 2009) = 0.5/5

'Style Over Substance: The Movie'. It's virtually unwatchable, and it's the most self-indulgent film I have ever seen. I still can't believe the man responsible for Irreversible and I Stand Alone presided over this nonsensical garbage. Sure, the film looks beautiful with its kaleidoscopic colours, but like that party guest who dresses immaculately but makes bad conversation, it overstays its welcome. 

OCTOBER 5

Raging Bull (Martin Scorsese, 1980) = 5/5

This is currently my favourite Martin Scorsese film, and it will take something very special to change that. This is a visceral film—one that is felt rather than viewed. The performance by Robert De Niro is phenomenal, and deserves to go down as one of the greatest of all time. He was so convincing that I was scared of him, despite being on the other side of the screen. The decision to shoot in black-and-white was not really a stylistic choice, but rather a consequence of not finding maroon, oxblood or black boxing gloves (the colours worn by boxers in the 1940s). I'm glad things worked out that way, because this film looks so wonderful.  

OCTOBER 7

My Dinner with Andre (Louis Malle, 1981) = 4/5

WOW! It was SO difficult to pick a still from this movie to include in this post! So much variety in the shots! Of course, if you know what this movie is about, you'll know I'm being sarcastic. Two men (Wallace Shawn and Andre Gregory as themselves) have a philosophical discussion over dinner. That's essentially what the movie is. Oh, and there's also some footage of Shawn travelling to and leaving the restaurant. You'll know if this movie is for you just by reading that plot outline. I think it's a curiously intimate creative experiment. It will test your patience at times, but those who persevere should find it rewarding. 

OCTOBER 8

Code Unknown (Michael Haneke, 2000) = 2.5/5

This one left me really disappointed, considering Haneke is among my top five directors of all time. This is actually the only Haneke film I have not liked. I felt like a spectator the whole time. I did not care for anyone's fate. Everything felt stilted and the multiple arcs did not gel together well enough for my liking. 

OCTOBER 9

Eastern Promises (David Cronenberg, 2007) = 4/5

This is a stylish crime-thriller featuring a brilliant performance by Viggo Mortensen. I think it does well to resist being excessive. I'm not saying the violence isn't over-the-top at times, but there's a certain believability to it and it never detracts from the story being told. I've now seen two Cronenberg films (yep, I'm a latecomer) and I really want to see more!

OCTOBER 11

The Year My Voice Broke (John Duigan, 1987) = 4/5

A poignant coming-of-age drama about the pangs of adolescent love and the acceptance of our own insignificance in the vast schema of life. It will hit close to home for anyone who's gone through a phase of unrequited love. It was so great to see Noah Taylor and Ben Mendelsohn in early roles! Seriously, this is such an underrated Australian film. Watch it!

OCTOBER 13

The Strangers (Bryan Bertino, 2008) = 1/5

I can forgive a cheesy horror film, but not a boring one. Writer/director Bertino seems to think that suspense can be defined as the absence of action. I didn't root for anyone to stay alive. This is an unoriginal, pointless movie that thinks it's way cleverer than it actually is. No wonder I fell asleep when I tried to watch this some years ago.

OCTOBER 14

Killer Joe (William Friedkin, 2011) = 4/5

Funny, grotesque and intense. It's fun to watch because you can never predict the next scene. It's helped immensely by oddball characters.You will never look at a piece of fried chicken in the same way again.

OCTOBER 15

The Hunt (Thomas Vinterberg, 2012) = 4.5/5

An absorbing drama about the damage one lie can do. We feel the pain of its characters and wish we could find a way to intervene. The script is great, and the central performance by Mads Mikkelsen deserves immense praise. It's one of those films that will appease both mainstream and arthouse filmgoers. 

OCTOBER 16

Broadway Danny Rose (Woody Allen, 1984) = 3.5/5

Features some clever gags but there are a few flat spots and the premise isn't milked for its full potential. I was surprised at how good Woody was as an actor here. This is definitely up there with his finest performances.

OCTOBER 17

Alps (Giorgos Lanthimos, 2011) = 2.5/5

A group of people start a business where they assume the identities of the recently deceased in order to help their clients through the grieving process. It's sad to watch a fantastic premise go to waste through such uninspired direction. This could have been something special, especially considering the expertise Lanthimos showed with Dogtooth (2009). As it stands, I can hardly remember a single scene from this...only vague impressions. 

OCTOBER 19

Waking Life (Richard Linklater, 2001) = 5/5

A work of stunning originality that is pornography for thinkers. It's films like this that change people's lives. The animation is dreamy and the dialogue is endlessly compelling. It's hard to describe this film to someone who hasn't seen it. If you're into philosophy and existentialism, I strongly recommend it. Actually, no, I recommend this film to EVERYONE...because you're all human, and this film is all about capturing Real Human Moments. I should mention that this film bumped Richard Linklater into my top 10 favourite directors of all time. He replaces Steve McQueen at number 10. 

OCTOBER 20

Brazil (Terry Gilliam, 1985) = 1.5/5

Yes, I hated a movie that everyone loves, but you should be used to that by now. It is over-complicated to the point where I just stopped caring. There are too many pointless scenes and it lacks an emotional centre. I couldn't wait for this gigantic mess to end.

OCTOBER 21

Hour of the Wolf (Ingmar Bergman, 1968) = 4/5

"The old ones called it 'the hour of the wolf'. It is the hour when the most people die, and the most are born. At this time, nightmares come to us. And when we awake, we are afraid."

This is a macabre and mysterious work of slow-burning terror. It plays on innate human fears and repressed memories. It makes me wish Bergman had made more horror films! 

OCTOBER 24

Walkabout (Nicolas Roeg, 1971) = 3.5/5

It's a film about the unease of culture clash and the failure to communicate that doesn't pick sides. The film's vastness swallows you whole. It's immaculately shot, but it's lost much of its revelatory power over time. Some of the editing techniques are very outdated, too.

OCTOBER 26

The Artist (Michel Hazanavicius, 2011) = 4/5

A delightful film that feels remarkably authentic in its recreation of time and place. It's effortlessly charming, and I was relieved to see that it didn't come off as gimmicky. However, I must admit I have doubts about whether this would be worthwhile if it weren't made in the style of a silent film. Oh, and lastly, I would like to see Bérénice Bejo in more things. She was cast so well in this!

OCTOBER 27

The Sweet Hereafter (Atom Egoyan, 1997) = 3.5/5

A great script and brilliant performances (by Ian Holm and Sarah Polley, especially) make this worthwhile. However, I must admit it was hard to sit through. It's just so gloomy and emotionally intense. Some people have compared this film to Ang Lee's The Ice Storm, which is one of my favourite films from the 90s. Unfortunately, The Sweet Hereafter didn't live up to Lee's film (although I know many people who'd disagree). I may revisit this one day because I think I went into it with too many expectations. 

OCTOBER 31

Blazing Saddles (Mel Brooks, 1974) = 2.5/5

This is ultimately trash with a few decent gags interspersed throughout. It tries too hard to be edgy and it is SORELY dated. Maybe I was just expecting too much. After all, this film often ranks highly on lists of the funniest films of all time. 

In Summary - The Must-See Films (4.5 or 5 Stars)

* Raging Bull

* The Hunt

* Waking Life

My Top 100 Song Lyrics

For me, great lyrics are the difference between songs I only listen to casually and songs that are on constant rotation. There's no doubt that I can tap my feet to a hypnotic beat and let a melody sink its teeth into me. But that pleasure is only fleeting. When a song contains great lyrics—even if it's just one or two brilliant lines—you can hold onto them and carry them around even when your earphones are wound up in your pocket. In this post, I have compiled a list of my 100 favourite song lyrics of all time. I have listed them in rough order from least favourite to favourite. I did not try to hide my admiration for Neil Finn and Paul Dempsey. These geniuses are my two favourite songwriters, and their music has helped me immensely throughout life. That's why their lyrics constitute about a quarter of the entries on this list. For entries 100 to 11, I have simply listed the lyrics. For my top 10, I have briefly described why those particular lyrics mean so much to me. I think you can tell a lot about a person by studying their favourite lyrics. Here is your chance to psychoanalyse me. 

100. If you'll be my bodyguard / I can be your long lost pal / I can call you Betty / And Betty when you call me / You can call me Al. (Paul Simon - You Can Call Me Al)

99. Nothing really matters / Anyone can see / Nothing really matters / Nothing really matters to me / Any way the wind blows... (Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody)

98. And if I tell you something / You take me back to nothing / I'm on the edge of something / You take me back / And I'm happy when it rains. (The Jesus & Mary Chain - Happy When it Rains)

97. Sleight of hand and twist of fate / On a bed of nails she makes me wait / And I wait without you. (U2 - With or Without You)

96. And I find it kind of funny / I find it kind of sad / The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had. (Tears for Fears - Mad World)

95. Sweet wonderful you / You make me happy with the things you do / Oh, can it be so / This feeling follows me wherever I go. (Fleetwood Mac - You Make Loving Fun)

94. Mars ain't the kind of place to raise your kids / In fact it's cold as hell / And there's no one there to raise them / If you did. (Elton John - Rocket Man)

93. He is alive and kicking and screaming / Calls it gymnastics / Calls it velocity. (Something for Kate - Twenty Years)

92. The ashtray says / You were up all night / When you went to bed / With your darkest mind. (Wilco - A Shot in the Arm)

91. Though I know I'll never lose affection / For people and things that went before / I know I'll often stop and think about them / In my life, I love you more. (The Beatles - In My Life)

90. Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance / Silver moon's sparkling / So kiss me. (Sixpence None the Richer - Kiss Me)

89. I've got two tickets to Iron Maiden, baby / Come with me Friday, don't say "maybe" /  I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby, like you. (Wheatus - Teenage Dirtbag)

88. 'Cause I don't want to be a container / Or a bastard with a ten-page disclaimer. (Something for Kate - Monsters)

87. Let us be lovers / We'll marry our fortunes together / I've got some real estate here in my bag. (Simon & Garfunkel - America)

86. I want to trip inside your head / Spend the day there / To hear the things you haven't said / And see what you might see. (U2 - Miracle Drug)

85. Hey, don't look now / But there goes God / In his sexy pants and his sausage dog / And he can't stand Beelzebub / 'Cause he looks so good in black, in black. (Crowded House - There Goes God)

84. We're after the same rainbow's end /  Waiting 'round the bend / My huckleberry friend / Moon river, and me. (Audrey Hepburn - Moon River)

83. I lost my shirt / I pawned my rings / I've done all the dumb things. (Paul Kelly and the Coloured Girls - Dumb Things)

82. Now it seems to me some fine things / Have been laid upon your table / But you only want the ones / That you can't get. (The Eagles - Desperado)

81. Come loose your dogs upon me / And let your hair hang down / You are a little mystery to me / Every time you come around. (Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - The Ship Song)

80. Eleanor Rigby picks up the rice in the church where a wedding has been / Lives in a dream /  Waits at the window / Wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door / Who is it for? (The Beatles - Eleanor Rigby)

79. Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letterbox / They tumble blindly as they make their way across the universe. (The Beatles - Across the Universe)

78. Give me reason but don't give me choice / 'Cause I'll just make the same mistake again. (James Blunt - Same Mistake)

77. It's a pretty pass / How you always seem to land on your feet / A little undone / Anybody else by now would be cold meat. (Paul Kelly - (You Can Put Your) Shoes Under My Bed)

76. She lives with a broken man / A cracked polystyrene man / Who just crumbles and burns. (Radiohead - Fake Plastic Trees)

75. But I'm in so deep / You know I'm such a fool for you / You got me wrapped around your finger / Do you have to let it linger? (The Cranberries - Linger)

74. I don't mind stealing bread / From the mouths of decadence / But I can't feed on the powerless / When my cup's already overfilled. (Temple of the Dog - Hunger Strike)

73. Sweet dreams and flying machines / In pieces on the ground. (James Taylor - Fire and Rain)

72. It's like you're trying to get to Heaven in a hurry / And the queue was shorter than you thought it would be / And the doorman says / You need to get a wristband. (Alex Turner - It's Hard to Get Around the Wind)

71. What the world needs now / Is some answers to our problems / We can't buy more time / 'Cause our tender isn't valid. (Bad Religion - Faith Alone)

70. She can't remember a time when she felt needed / If love was red then she was colour blind. (Savage Garden - To the Moon and Back)

69. I'm strangled by your haunted social scene / Just a pawn outplayed by a dominating queen. (Elton John - Someone Saved My Life Tonight)

68. There is no such place / If I lower mine to yours / Would you kiss me on the face? (Augie March - There is No Such Place)

67. I would go out tonight / But I haven't got a stitch to wear / This man said "It's gruesome that someone so handsome should care." (The Smiths - This Charming Man)

66. We gotta get out while we're young / 'Cause tramps like us / Baby we were born to run. (Bruce Springsteen - Born to Run)

65. I would love / To trouble you in your time of need / Lose your way / It's a pleasure when you're in my command. (Crowded House - In My Command)

64. I'm an alligator / I'm a mama-papa coming for you / I'm the space invader / I'll be a rock 'n' rollin' bitch for you. (David Bowie - Moonage Daydream)

63. We'll choke on our vomit / And that will be the end / We were fated to pretend. (MGMT - Time to Pretend)

62. In my life / Why do I give valuable time / To people who don't care if I live or die? (The Smiths - Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now)

61. Lover, there will be another one / Who'll hover over you beneath the sun / Tomorrow, see the things that never come / Today. (Neil Young - Birds)

60. The frozen stare / The clothes and hair / These make me taste like a man. (The Jesus & Mary Chain - On the Wall)

59. Your hills and valleys / Are mapped by my intrepid fingers. (Snow Patrol - Crack the Shutters)

58. Oh, isn't this exactly where you'd like me / I'm exactly where you'd like me, you know / Praying for love in a lap dance / And paying in naivety. (Panic! at the Disco - But It's Better If You Do)

57. I'm just a slave to ambition / Tension—your permanent condition / So much you've always wanted / Too much giving you a sore head. (Crowded House - I Walk Away)

56. If you wait / I'll give all my aches to you. (You Am I - Berlin Chair)

55. Colour is its own reward. (Crowded House - Fingers of Love)

54. So we are moving to a lighthouse, you and I / While seas drown sailors, we'll be locked up safe and dry / And though our doors may knock and rattle in the wind / I'll just hold you tight and we'll not let those fuckers in. (Josh Pyke - The Lighthouse Song)

53. I told you / That we could fly / 'Cause we all have wings / But some of us don't know why. (INXS - Never Tear Us Apart)

52. I'll know you by the thunderclap / Pouring like a rain of blood to my emotions. (Crowded House - When You Come)

51.  So you dance and you shuffle into the eye of the storm / Eyes all on fire as if you've never been here before. (Something for Kate - Reverse Soundtrack)

50. And I shall drive my chariot down your streets and cry / Hey, it's me, I'm dynamite and I don't know why. (Van Morrison - Sweet Thing)

49. All I ever wanted was to be your spine. (Archers of Loaf - Web in Front)

48. Could you learn to read minds? / In the case of mine / Do you read in the dark? (Grant Lee Buffalo - Honey Don't Think)

47. Last cigarettes are all you can get / Turning your orbit around. (Wilco - Jesus, Etc.)

46. I'm the next act waiting in the wings / I'm an animal trapped in your hot car / I am all the days that you choose to ignore. (Radiohead - All I Need)

45. I'll be your plastic toy. (The Jesus & Mary Chain - Just Like Honey)

44. And you know that I love you / Here and now, not forever / I can give you the present / I don't know 'bout the future / That's all stuff and nonsense. (Split Enz - Stuff and Nonsense)

43. I warn you, if cornered / I'll scratch my way out of the pen / Wired, an animal / The claustrophobia begins. (The Afghan Whigs - What Jail is Like)

42. Have you come here to play Jesus / To the lepers in your head? (U2 - One)

41. Your freezing speech bubbles / Seem to hold your words aloft / I want the smoky clouds of laughter / To swim about me forever more. (Snow Patrol - The Planets Bend Between Us)

40. Burn down the disco / Hang the blessed DJ / Because the music that they constantly play / It says nothing to me about my life. (The Smiths - Panic)

39. Hold me closer, tiny dancer / Count the headlights on the highway / Lay me down in sheets of linen / You had a busy day today. (Elton John - Tiny Dancer)

38. And you know she will trust you / For you've touched her perfect body with your mind. (Leonard Cohen - Suzanne)

37. Not much time has passed / But already she likes concrete better than grass / And I don't think we'll last. (Something for Kate - Pinstripe)

36. No more empty self-possession / Vision swept under the mat / It's no New Year's resolution / It's more than that. (Split Enz - Message to My Girl)

35. And the waitress is practising politics / As the businessmen slowly get stoned / Yes they're sharing a drink they call loneliness / But it's better than drinking alone. (Billy Joel - Piano Man)

34. And if a double-decker bus crashes into us / To die by your side is such a heavenly way to die. (The Smiths - There is a Light That Never Goes Out)

33. So I'll start a revolution from my bed / 'Cause you said the brains I had went to my head. (Oasis - Don't Look Back in Anger)

32. All I really, really want our love to do / Is to bring out the best in me and in you. (Joni Mitchell - All I Want)

31. There's a battle ahead / Many battles are lost / But you'll never see the end of the road while you're travelling with me. (Crowded House - Don't Dream It's Over)

30. Your waitress was miserable / And so was your food / If you're gonna try and walk on water / Make sure you wear your comfortable shoes. (Alex Turner - Piledriver Waltz)

29. She can take the dark out of the nighttime / And paint the daytime black. (Bob Dylan - She Belongs To Me)

28. How can I convince you it's me I don't like / And not be so indifferent to the look in your eyes / When I've always been distant / And I've always told lies for love. (Wilco - Reservations)

27. And these children that you spit on / As they try to change their worlds / Are immune to your consultations / They're quite aware of what they're going through. (David Bowie - Changes)

26. She's a jar / With a heavy lid / My pop quiz kid / A sleepy kisser / A pretty war / With feelings hid / She begs me not to miss her. (Wilco - She's a Jar)

25. I'm a name in a black book / Attached to a face / At the back of your memory's window display / It's on the tip of your tongue, I'm sure / But I must away. (Paul Dempsey - Fast Friends)

24. And if the gods desert us now I'll turn this chapel into flames / And if someone tries to hurt you I would put myself in your place. (Neil Finn - Try Whistling This)

23. And you run like a cat to the cream / And you're acting so nice it's obscene / You put on a wonderful show / Do you really, really think I don't know? / Black and white boy. (Crowded House - Black and White Boy)

22. There's no hypochondriac novelist / Scrawling messages in your DNA. (Something for Kate - Begin)

21. I can see / That you and me / Live our lives in the pouring rain / And the raindrops beat out of time to our refrain. (The Jesus & Mary Chain - About You)

20. There's no aphrodisiac like loneliness / Truth, beauty, and a picture of you. (The Whitlams - No Aphrodisiac) 

19. And did you exchange a walk-on part in the war / For a lead role in a cage? (Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here)

18. Total surrender / Your touch is so tender / Your skin is like water on a burning beach / And it brings me relief. (Crowded House - Nails in My Feet)

17. I feel like I'm in love / With a stranger I'll never know / Although you're still a mystery / I'm so glad I'm not alone. (Neil Finn - Anytime)

16. As long as I gaze on Waterloo sunset / I am in paradise. (The Kinks - Waterloo Sunset)

15. Magnetism and mystery / Wishful thinking and fantasy / And I hope that you're not / Hoping for me. (Something for Kate - White)

14. Sooner or later, one of us must know / That I really did try to get close to you. (Bob Dylan - One of Us Must Know (Sooner or Later))

13. You only hide because you know I'll find you. (Something for Kate - You Only Hide)

12. The guilty get no sleep / In the last slow hours of morning / Experience is cheap / I should've listened to the warning. (Crowded House - Into Temptation)

11. I could drink a case of you, darling / And I would still be on my feet. (Joni Mitchell - A Case of You)

10.

If I could kill only the time

That truly deserves to die

                                                     ~ Something for Kate - Deep Sea Divers

This lyric by Paul Dempsey is exquisitely simple, but it conveys that innately human desire to skip all the crap in life and get to the moments that matter. When we speak of "killing time" in everyday parlance, we are generally referring to a situation where we arrive at a place early and need a way to fill the surplus minutes or hours. In Deep Sea Divers, the notion of killing time is more concerned with eradicating painful memories from our psyches. Or maybe it's about killing those everyday annoyances (conversations about the weather, long queues at the supermarket) that befall us all, and only existing in moments that we'll remember on our deathbeds.

9.

As is once

Will always be

Earth and sky

Moon and sea

                                                 ~ Crowded House - Together Alone 

I don't have any tattoos, but if I ever decide to get one, this lyric will be it. I love it because it makes me feel so insignificant. I am just a speck in the universe. Earth was turning before I was born into it, and it will continue to turn once I have departed it. When everyone who knows me is dead, no one will talk about me. I will be forgotten. It is an extremely humbling thing to realise and accept this. Do you ever just gaze up at the moon and think about how indifferent the universe is to you? It doesn't care about your salary or your fancy car. You are nothing to the Earth and Sky. You are nothing to the Moon and Sea. 

8. 

Don't let it bring you down

It's only castles burning

Find someone who's turning

And you will come around

                                                            ~ Neil Young - Don't Let it Bring You Down

This is Neil Young's rendition of the proverb "This too shall pass." It's a fantastic chorus to a fantastic song, and it's that image of castles burning that really boosts it. Most people would think of castles burning as a catastrophic event, but Young just brushes it aside as a slight inconvenience. He implores us to find someone who's turning, which reminds us to be happy for our friends' successes rather than to envy them. I really like this notion of "coming around". It evokes the idea of starting afresh while still acknowledging the things that broke you in the first place. 

7. 

I should've consulted my local physician

I'm stuck now forever with this tunnel vision

My periphery is screwed

Wherever I look now

All I see is you

                                               ~ Tim Minchin - You Grew on Me

First of all, I believe Tim Minchin's You Grew on Me has the finest lyrics of any song ever written. It is the cleverest song ever written. From beginning to end, there is not a single flat spot. I strongly encourage you to listen to the whole song before reading my thoughts on the above lyrics.

As Minchin explains, the song is about the type of love that creeps up on you. It smashes the myth of love at first sight. What I adore about this song is how Minchin approaches love not as a sweet, blissful emotion, but as something dark and stormy...a twisted malady. When you become infatuated with someone, it isn't pleasant. Sure, you might smile when you hear that person's favourite song. Hearing that person laugh may fill you with enough joy to subsist on for the rest of the week. And hey, if the feeling's mutual, then infatuation may not be bad at all. Unrequited love, on the other hand, is something no one ever enjoys. Minchin's extended metaphor of a love interest as an illness is hauntingly beautiful. The lyrics I have chosen here provide an almost literal interpretation of not being able to get someone out of your head.

6. 

But you stand there so nice

In your blizzard of ice

Oh please let me 

Come into the storm 

                                                                     ~ Leonard Cohen - One of Us Cannot Be Wrong

This whole song is characterised by lyrical ingenuity. You've got rooms filling up with mosquitoes, a doctor locking himself into a library shelf, and a saint drowning himself in a pool. For me, it's the final verse where most of the magic happens. Most people would attempt to get out of a storm. Cohen cleverly subverts this idea, conceptualising a nude woman as a storm. Despite her being nude, it doesn't come off as cheap eroticism, and I interpret "Please let me come into the storm" as a way of saying "Let me be a part of your life." 

5.  

Sleeping on an unmade bed

Finding out wherever there is comfort there is pain

                                                                      ~ Crowded House - Four Seasons in One Day

This one's very self-explanatory, and yet it still makes me shiver whenever I hear it. What's great is that Finn uses the image of an unmade bed, something that all listeners would be familiar with. It's not only the image we relate to, but also that crushing disappointment of discovering the flaws to something we initially thought was untainted. I think this gels nicely with the song's title, perpetuating the notion of emotional turbulence and fluctuations in mood. 

4. 

I don't pretend to know what you want

But I offer love

                                                 ~ Crowded House - Distant Sun 

Yep, another Crowded House lyric—I told you I love Neil Finn! This lyric is testament to the idea that there is beauty in simplicity. It shows you don't need an extensive vocabulary to touch another human being. All you need is an underlying sentiment that listeners can call their own. Sometimes a friend or family member will come running to you for help, and you literally have no idea how to help them. You feel like a terrible confidant, as though you have failed in your duty as a person. But there's often nothing you can do except listen. Show your love for them by lending an ear. It is worse to pretend you know what they're talking about and offer half-hearted advice. 

3. 

The finger of blame has turned upon itself

And I'm more than willing to offer myself

Do you want my presence or need my help?
Who knows where that might lead?

                                                      ~ Crowded House - Fall at Your Feet

I swear this is the last Crowded House entry on this list! But surely you must excuse me when Neil Finn's lyrics are as good as this! I'm not sure if Finn has ever explicitly stated what this song is about, but most fans believe it's about a man who comforts a woman after a breakup, or after she's been cheated on. The man is romantically interested in this woman, but she only sees him as a shoulder to cry on. This beautiful verse hints that the man finally got to sleep with the woman, which in turn makes her a cheater, hence the finger of blame turning upon itself. It's all very dark and troublesome. I love the ambiguity of that last line...how we're left with two fragile people trying to find some reconciliation. 

2. 

I am human and I need to be loved

Just like everybody else does

                                                         ~ The Smiths - How Soon is Now?

Isn't that what we all want? To find someone who won't kick us out of bed? We all want to be a part of someone else's life. Maybe not now, but being alone is only comfortable for so long. We want to be the reason someone cancels their plans on a Friday night. We want someone to come home to and sidle up with on the couch. We want someone who will accept our shortcomings because our virtues make them happier than anything else. We just want to be loved. Or maybe some of us just want to be liked. We want 10 new Facebook notifications when we wake up in the morning. We want someone to save a seat for us at the movies. We want to be told, "Hey, I like you. You're kinda funny." We want anything but the rejection of who we are at our cores. We want to be validated. That's why we get out of bed in the morning. If you don't get up and do something, no one will know you're alive. 

1.

There'll be icicles and birthday clothes

And sometimes there'll be sorrow

                                                  ~ Joni Mitchell - Little Green 

This is it. This is the lyric that encapsulates the totality of existence better than any other. This sums up life's dizzying highs and its depressing lows. This lyric is every girl who's ever broken your heart. This lyric is finding ten bucks behind the couch. This lyric is dipping a biscuit into your cup of tea and having it break off and sink to the bottom. This lyric is the first sip of water after a long hike in the middle of summer. This lyric is peeing your pants in front of your classmates. This lyric is the time you fought the bully and won. This lyric is your grandmother's funeral. This lyric is a New Year's Eve kiss. This lyric is falling off the skateboard and grazing your knee. This lyric is putting sunglasses on your dog and laughing at how much he looks like a human being. This lyric is finding out there is no such thing as the Easter Bunny. This lyric is an electric blanket on subzero nights. This lyric is seeing your parents cry. This lyric is sucking the helium out of a balloon. This lyric is cancer. This lyric is the day you removed the training wheels from your bike. This lyric is a three-hour lecture on something you don't care about, like quantum physics or politics in Lichtenstein. This lyric is coffee with an old friend on Sunday morning. This lyric is "I think we should start seeing other people." This lyric is the smell of a library with heritage status. This lyric is your first trip to the dentist. This lyric is soft-serve ice cream from McDonald's. This lyric is the reason you check your closet before you go to sleep at night. This lyric is racing out of bed on Christmas morning and stubbing your toe on the way to the tree. This lyric is everyone you've ever known, and everything you could possibly be.    

My 10 Favourite Directors

There comes a time in every film buff's life where the emphasis shifts from favourite actors to favourite directors. When you're a kid, you get to know certain actors (especially comedic ones) and you seek out their work because it brings a smile to your face. As you get older and your appreciation for the film medium increases, actors take the back seat and you become fascinated with directors. Of course, this only applies to people with a serious interest in film. For many people, the names Akira Kurosawa and Raja Gosnell mean the same thing. But for those of us who truly cherish cinema, directors are serious business, and we cling to our favourites with boundless love and endless appreciation. The 10 directors featured in this post mean a lot to me. Their work has touched me in profound ways, and has often challenged me emotionally and intellectually. These ten people are/were masters of their craft, and the cultural sphere has been bettered by their presence.

Before I begin my countdown, here are 20 honourable mentions (in alphabetical order)—directors whose work is extremely worthwhile, but who fell short of my top 10:

* Pedro Almodóvar
* Noah Baumbach
* John Cassavetes
* Sofia Coppola
* Wes Craven
* Alfonso Cuarón
* Clint Eastwood
* William Friedkin
* Jim Jarmusch
* Krzysztof Kieślowski 
* Richard Linklater
* Terrence Malick
* Sam Mendes 
* Roman Polanski
* Michael Powell
* Rob Reiner
* Martin Scorsese
* Andrei Tarkovsky
* François Truffaut
* Lars von Trier

10. Steve McQueen

Why I love him: McQueen has only made three feature films—Hunger, Shame and 12 Years a Slave. I have only seen the first two, but those were enough to convince me that this man is something extraordinary. McQueen's background in art and design means that his films are visual feasts. He knows how to create mood, and he can destroy you with a single image. He understands that sad stories don't need to be sensationalised. In other hands, his films would be hokey tear-jerkers, but McQueen knows how to subtly convey human tragedy. At only 43 years of age, this man has the potential to go down as one of the greatest directors who ever lived. 

Top two films:

2. Hunger (2008)

1. Shame (2011)

The master at work:

9. Alexander Payne

Why I love him: You may recall that my favourite film genre is the dramedy (drama + comedy). I believe few writer-directors have mastered this genre as well as Alexander Payne. Payne earns his spot as my ninth favourite director because he is wonderful at developing characters. His characters are never archetypal or stereotypical. They have virtues and flaws, and you spend most of the film trying to figure out whether or not you like someone. His films are rarely laugh-out-loud funny. They're funny in the way the people in your life are funny. When you talk to your friends, there is no camera on any of you. You make each other laugh, but you're never performing. It's organic joviality. Payne is an expert at conveying pathos. There's a scene in Sideways where Paul Giamatti's character describes the Pinot Noir grape to a woman he has romantic feelings for (Virginia Madsen). If you listen closely, you'll notice he's not only talking about the grape; he's describing himself, too.       

Top three films:

3. Election (1999)

2. The Descendants (2011)

1. Sideways (2004)

The master at work:

8. Paul Thomas Anderson

Why I love him: The first word that pops into my mind when I hear the name 'Paul Thomas Anderson' is "immersive". His films pull you into a unique world, or lure you into a particular disposition. I believe he is incapable of making a bad film. Hard Eight is the only Anderson film I haven't seen. Everything else—Boogie Nights, Magnolia, Punch-Drunk Love, There Will Be Blood and The Master—ranges from quite good to brilliant. He is skilled at getting stellar performances out of his actors. Adam Sandler hit a level we had never seen from him before in Punch-Drunk Love. Daniel Day-Lewis and Joaquin Phoenix gave powerhouse performances in There Will Be Blood and The Master, respectively. Anderson is a precocious talent who has achieved more in 17 years than most directors achieve in a lifetime. 

Top three films:

3. There Will Be Blood (2007)

2. Magnolia (1999)

1. Boogie Nights (1997)

The master at work:

7. Woody Allen

Why I love him: Where do I begin? Here is a man who makes one film per year because he's afraid inaction will kill him. He has a very pragmatic approach to filmmaking. He doesn't strive to make good pictures. He shoots scenes depending on what is easiest, not what is best from an artistic standpoint. He hates change and unfamiliar surroundings. He CAN'T STAND the country (especially at night). He doesn't watch his own films and believes awards are meaningless because we will all be dead one day. He doesn't give many instructions to his cast and crew, and has a reputation for being one of the most laid-back directors of all time. He loves New York City more than you love anything. He's made several average-to-bad films, but he's made just enough outstanding ones to earn a place on this list and in my heart. 

Top three films:

3. Match Point (2005)

2. Annie Hall (1977)

1. Hannah and Her Sisters (1986)

The master at work:

6. David Fincher

Why I love him: It's very difficult to write about David Fincher because he doesn't have the consistency that other directors do with themes and style. He moves from film to film and seems to reinvent himself with each one. Generally speaking, he is fond of dark colour tones and he often constructs universes where cynicism reigns supreme. What's interesting about Fincher is how he can appease both mainstream film audiences and arthouse enthusiasts. His films are made with a beautiful balance of work and play. They're never too cerebral and never superficial. 

Top three films:

3. Se7en (1995)

2. The Social Network (2010)

1. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008)

The master at work (CONTAINS SPOILERS):

5. Michael Haneke

Why I love him: In my opinion, Haneke understands the dark impulses of humanity better than any director working today. He does not shy away from making an audience uncomfortable, and I would guess that he even gets a kick out of it. Haneke's Funny Games (1997) is still the most disturbing film I have ever seen. It made me feel hopeless and nasty. Haneke believes American cinema is responsible for the "dis-empowerment of the spectator," which is perhaps why his films are so involving. He is known for including long gaps of silence in his films. These may sound like tranquil reprieves on the surface, but they only make the viewing experience more unsettling. I have found myself saying "I can't believe he went there..." when watching Haneke's films, so I have learnt to abandon all expectations. A Haneke film is one of the most exciting, unpredictable things you can experience in this world. This man goes where others fear to tread. 

Top three films:

3. Funny Games (1997)

2. The Seventh Continent (1989)

1. Caché (Hidden) (2005) 

The master at work:

4. David Lynch

Why I love him: Lynch is all about blurring the line between fantasy and reality. He is about dreams and nightmares. He exposes the murkiness beneath all things that are seemingly idyllic. To call him a director does not do him justice. He is a Creative Person. Other than film, he dabbles in music and the visual arts. Of course, he is also responsible for the TV show Twin Peaks. Lynch's films are designed to stay with you. They will haunt your mind when you're in the shower, stuck in traffic, or waiting in line at the grocery store one week later. The film that best realises his artistic vision is 2006's Inland Empire, one of the most frightening films ever made. It's not my favourite, though. That distinction goes to the hauntingly beautiful Mulholland Drive, a film that will have you scratching your head until your scalp bleeds. Everyone needs some Lynch in their life. You may not like it, but I can almost guarantee you won't hate it. One last suggestion: watch his films at night, preferably after midnight. 

Top three films (not definitive; I find it really tough to rank his films):

3. Eraserhead (1977)

2. Blue Velvet (1986)

1. Mulholland Dr. (2001) 

The master at work:

3. Stanley Kubrick

Why I love him: This man was all about perfectionism. Rumour has it that Kubrick took 127 takes of the baseball bat scene in The Shining. This is denied by Steadicam operator Garrett Brown and assistant editor Gordon Stainforth. However, Brown says the scene where Hallorann explains to Danny what "shining" is was shot 148 times, which would make it a world record. Kubrick was a sucker for symmetry. His hallway scenes were always entrancing, and his set design was endlessly exquisite. He did a lot of genre-hopping in his time. He made some war films (such as Paths of Glory and Full Metal Jacket), a horror film (The Shining). a groundbreaking science-fiction film (2001: A Space Odyssey), an epic historical drama (Spartacus), a period piece (Barry Lyndon), a black comedy (Dr. Strangelove), and an erotic mystery-thriller (Eyes Wide Shut), among other concoctions. His influence on the field is indescribable, and he produced one of the most consistent bodies of work of any director who has ever lived. I believe he was the first person who I called "my favourite director". He has since slipped down to position no. 3, but I will always love him for his contributions to cinema, especially for The Shining—one of the first films to make me realise how exciting it is to be scared by moving pictures.

Top three films: 

3. A Clockwork Orange (1971)

2. Eyes Wide Shut (1999)

1. The Shining (1980)

The master at work:

   

2. Alfred Hitchcock

Why I love him: If you've never seen a Hitchcock film, stop reading this post immediately. I want you to go and watch Rear Window right now. I don't care how you obtain it. Just watch it (then come back and read the rest of this post). The Master of Suspense clocks in at no. 2 on this list because I'm yet to see a film of his that I haven't liked. That's pretty great going, considering I've seen 10 of his films. If you're a regular reader of my blog, you'd have read this before, but it bears repeating: Hitchcock once made a distinction between surprise and suspense. Surprise is when a bomb goes off under a table. Suspense is knowing a bomb will go off under a table, but not knowing when. In Hitchcock's films, the proverbial bomb was always under the table, and we never knew when it would explode. He had an impeccable understanding of how to pace a film so as to involve an audience. The action always unfolded at the perfect speed—not slow enough to bore you, and not fast enough to befuddle or encourage anticlimax. As creepy as his films often were, he always softened the intensity with comic relief. The man knew how to write snappy dialogue. Consider this line from Vertigo: "Only one is a wanderer; two together are always going somewhere." He has had an immense impact on popular culture, and I think it will be a long while until we see another director who fascinates the general public as intensely. Alfred Hitchcock is one of those directors whom even casual filmgoers can name off the tops of their heads. 

Top three films: 

3. Vertigo (1958)

2. Psycho (1960)

1. Rear Window (1954)  

The master at work:

1. Ingmar Bergman

Why I love him: It saddens me that so many people—even film-savvy people—don't really know much about Bergman. They've heard the name a million times, but they can't put a face to it, and they might name two of his films if they're lucky. Then I remember that I was that person until last year. The reason Bergman isn't talked about as much as he should be is because he was a recluse. He saw making films as a pastime...as catharsis. The Swede is known for his grim subject matter such as death, loneliness, betrayal and insanity, and these dark themes turn a lot of people off his films. I consider his exploration of these themes quite liberating, myself. He had a way of phrasing things I have always felt but have never known how to express. I'm surprised he wasn't a psychologist in his spare time. There is an honesty in his dialogue that is delicately painful. I have noticed a series of what I call "Bergmanesque insults" which characterise his films. A textbook example is "Your callousness is perverse" from Through a Glass Darkly. There are no obligatory niceties or fancy turns of phrase. That is a strong, direct insult that cuts deep in the psyche of whomever it is aimed at. Bergman became my favourite director after I watched Winter Light in April earlier this year. That was very apt, considering Bergman once said, "I think I have made just one picture that I really like, and that is Winter Light." Every frame in a Bergman film is crafted with loving expertise, thanks largely to the skilled camerawork of Sven Nykvist. Any primitives who say "Black and white films are boring" should watch a Bergman film and see the way he works with light. Bergman worked closely with actresses Harriet Andersson, Liv Ullmann, Bibi Andersson, and Ingrid Thulin. These women were his muses, and he could draw phenomenal performances from them with very little effort. Bergman believed that the close-up of a human face was the height of cinematography. He was fascinated with faces and I would pay to listen in on a conversation between him and John Cassavetes about the power of the human face in conveying information. Lastly, if you haven't read this Bergman quote before, you're in for something special:

"Film as dream, film as music. No form of art goes beyond ordinary consciousness as film does, straight to our emotions, deep into the twilight room of the soul. A little twitch in our optic nerve, a shock effect: twenty-four illuminated frames in a second, darkness in between, the optic nerve incapable of registering darkness. At the editing table, when I run the strip of film through, frame by frame, I still feel that dizzy sense of magic of my childhood: in the darkness of the wardrobe, I slowly wind one frame after another, see almost imperceptible changes, wind faster — a movement."

Top three films:

3. Wild Strawberries (1957)

2. Winter Light (1963)

1. Fanny and Alexander (1982)

The master at work: