Saturday, October 9, 2010

The Introverted Extrovert (Where I Fit on the Social Spectrum)

So, I entitled this blog entry The Introverted Extrovert, but is that who I really am? Perhaps I'm the extroverted introvert. I can't decide. Here's the thing: I WANT to be lively and sociable, but there are various circumstances in my life that prevent me from being that type of person. *Sigh* Maybe I'm just stopping myself, without even knowing it.

My home life + dependence on the Internet
The life that I live at home is pretty plain and simple. I spend most of the day in my bedroom, on the computer. Now that I read over that last sentence, my life seems quite miserable...but it isn't, really. I live the life of a hermit, but only because I don't have anything else to do. Seeing as I'm a hermit, that would class me as an introvert. However, I like talking to people. I only feel comfortable with talking to someone if I know them well. My older brother will occasionally have some friends over, and if I've never encountered them before, I will stay in my room, and even close my bedroom door. I get embarrassed if he introduces me to his new friends - I don't know why. I rarely go out places, not because I don't like going out, but because...I'll touch on this later on in this post. I WANT to go out - it makes me feel like I'm actually living my life, and I know that memories will always be forged as a result of outings. Happy memories, not ones of apathy. I have so much to say over the Internet. Have you ever noticed how I leave descriptive status updates on Facebook? Perhaps you've read a few of my detailed answers on Formspring? Right now, you're reading this blog entry, and I'll have you know that there are three paragraphs to go once I finish this one. I express myself a lot online, but that's because I can't talk about this stuff to people in person. Guys my age are more interested in talking about cars and girls (I know that not all of you are like that), and if I tried telling them my top 5 movie scenes to their faces, they would probably call me 'gay' because I see beauty in cinema. In essence, I can get through a whole point over the Internet without someone telling me halfway to shut up. Not many people know this, but it actually means a lot if someone 'likes' something I post on Facebook. I don't get that much recognition from people in the real world.

For some of you, going to parties is almost a weekly occurrence. Then there are those who attend parties 'every now and then' (perhaps once a month). I belong to that group of people who are seldom invited to parties. Now, I'm not looking for sympathy, but I cannot talk about my social standing without telling you all my experiences, or lack thereof, with parties. I have only been invited to two parties in 2010...and I went to them both. One was Ralph's party, which was last Saturday. Thanks for the invite Ralph - I really enjoyed myself. Thanks to your party, I now know what it feels like to get home at 6:30 in the morning. The other party that I went to was Adrian Ossa's, almost a month ago. I appreciate the invite, Adrian, if you're reading this. My experiences at that party were nothing extreme. I only ever drink a small amount of alcohol, and have never been drunk. At Adrian's party, I had one Corona by will, and a shot of vodka...which was practically forced upon me, by none other than Adrian. I enjoyed that night, on the whole, but still, I found it pretty disrespectful that people were making a big deal about me touching alcohol. Some people saw me with my Corona, and were like "Oh Steven, big man...step back!" Why should I be met with such a comment? Just because I rarely drink alcohol doesn't mean that I should be patronised if I choose to drink it at all. That said, I don't belong to the 'partying culture'. I don't like dance music, hardly touch alcohol, don't dance, and find it hard to mingle with people I've never met before. I always joke about myself being the stereotypical guy who sits in the corner all night, eavesdropping on tales of lust and failed romances, only to come up with a witty comment when it's least expected. I'm not ashamed of myself for being that type of guy though. I mean, I am witty by nature, and dropping such remarks beats spewing my guts out on someone's lounge. It sickens me that drunk people are usually ENCOURAGED by others to keep drinking. I mean, what the fuck is wrong with society? Surely, I am not the only one who sees these flaws. OK, I'm going off on a bit of a tangent. Back to my stance on parties...I don't hate going to parties. In fact, I would love it if I was invited to more, because I enjoy them on the whole. It's just that I don't attend them for the alcohol, or the music, or the 'chicks'. I go to parties because they allow me to have a night out and enjoy myself. I go for the social experience. Yes - I can enjoy myself without the help of alcohol, and I seriously don't care if I go through the whole night without talking to a girl. 

The opposite sex
Girls are like a whole different species to me. Let me just clarify that I do not hate or dislike the female gender. It's just that I feel awkward...I mean, extremely awkward...around them. Since 2003, I've been at an all-boys school, and before that, my hormones weren't exactly 'awake'. Still, most of the guys that I've gone through school with don't have any problems with talking to girls. So, why do I have that problem? Perhaps it has something to do with not having a sister. Then again, it probably doesn't have anything to do with that. Seriously, I think it comes down to my personal shyness. Seeing as I haven't really grown up with any girls, they are unknown to me, and it's a human tendency to shy away from the unknown. Then again, it could be that I have witnessed girls act immaturely before, and it has turned me off forging any friendship with them. But that would only make me a selfish person for generalising. In case you haven't gathered already, I have never had a girlfriend. I haven't even come close. In saying that, I don't really have many opportunities to pursue one, and on the rare occasion that I do, I have no desire to. I look ahead to about 18 months, and I cannot picture myself with a girlfriend. Fuck, I look ahead to marriage, and wonder if that'll even happen in the first place. See? I'm not lying in my 'About Me' section, where I describe myself as 'a riddle within an enigma, encircled by a labyrinth'. I truly do have an odd personality. Damn...I can't even remember the last time that I had a friendly face-to-face chat with a girl (saying "Hi, I'm Steven" and hearing them tell me their name doesn't count).

My friends and acquaintances
I don't have many people who I would call a 'friend'. I belong to two friendship circles (see my first blog to discover how that came to be), and I do not favour one group over the other. Of course, in both groups, I am closer with some guys more than others, but that happens in most groups, I would think. Earlier on, I mentioned that I'd reveal why I don't go out a lot. Well, it's because my friends are fairly reserved. They enjoy living a simple life, and aren't the type who go to parties to get drunk. When I go out with friends, it's usually to the movies. Nothing spectacular, but I generally enjoy myself, and that's what matters. By the way, for any of my close friends who are reading this, I'm not calling you a lousy friend, or blaming you for my poor social life. Put it this way - it's quite rare that I organise any outings with friends, so I don't have the right to point the finger of blame at anyone. Another thing about my friends is that I don't feel comfortable with opening up to all of them. For example, if I needed a shoulder to literally cry on, I don't feel that I could do that with all of my friends, as some would not take me seriously. I have learnt a lot about myself by getting to know my friends, and what's so interesting is the assorted range of friends that I have. There are some very distinct personalities amongst them all. I may not have a lot of 'friends', but I have a vast amount of acquaintances, all of them from school. This means that I will likely never see most of them again, unfortunately. I will miss their passing handshakes and various chats in various classes. Oh well, there's always Facebook! This sounds like a strange gesture, but if you're reading this now, and feel that you want to get to know me more as a person, just tell me [over MSN, Facebook, Formspring, or this site]. You can even call me if you have my number. It sounds like a desperate measure, but some people only feel comfortable with reaching out to people if there's some sort of invitation proposed. I think that's why I am The Introverted Extrovert. I am naturally a person who likes to interact with people; it's just that I find it hard to make the first move.

I trust that you will respect the opinions that I have divulged in this entry. 

Thanks for reading,

1 comment:

  1. Omg, I totally know what you mean! Everything you just said relates to me in one way or another. I'm like the illiterate eerie Asian version of you! =D